Commission: Tales from the Dark Side of the Mirror:
Planning (the Death of) a Party
Commissioned by and idea by Grimwolf001
Ugh, again?! Applejack, were you listening when I told you hard cider is bad for you?! Equines can only drink twenty-five cups before getting drunk and she's got twenty six here! Good thing I came along or she might have gotten sick. There we go, all gone. And I thought she was doing so well when she told me she was going to go steal those healthy apples. I hope that went better than the time I told her to steal candy from babies.
Who am I? I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie. And no, I'm not a bad guy! It is my sworn duty to ensure that everypony remembers to behave healthy and safe! Don't you know there billions of ways to get sick or hurt every single second of the day? And billions of ways the 'fun little things' you like to do are just bait for a trap? You must always be on guard! Just hanging out with the others means I can do my sacred duty whether anypony wants me to or not. Like stealing candy from babies so they don't get cavities or pick up bad eating habits that early in life. I don't blame ponies (much) though, unhealthy habits are often hidden behind a big smile. The things that are worst for you look like they'd be the happiest things ever, but don't believe it! The cake lies!
Paranoid?! I'm not paranoid! I'm honest!...Oh great, I'm getting worked up. Stress is bad for you and can lead to a heart attack or stroke! I need to go do my daily meditation and calm down.
...Oh wait, I need to eat lunch right now. Missing a meal is bad for you too. It zaps your energy for the day, leads to decreased nutrition, and might result in bad dietary practices becoming habits. Yes, even if you miss just one, you need a proper dietary regiment or you might suffer from eating disorders. Good thing I replaced all the food in the fridge with fresh fruits and veggies! Those things weren't cheap!
“Pinkamena!” called Fluttershy, glaring at me. “Did you throw out all of our food?...Again?”
“You can thank me later!” I reply. “This is much healthier!”
“Sure, because throwing out food during a famine is so healthy,” she said, rolling her eyes at me.
Well it's better to be hungry than put bad stuff in your body! No pony else seems to get that! They'd rather have something 'tasty' than something that's actually good for them! Don't they get that to survive the way things are now you need to be healthy?!
Oh, Applejack's back.
“How did stealing that apple go?” I ask.
She gives a smirk. “Oh, Ah stole it, got it right here,” she said, pulling it out of her pocket.
“Cool, you gonna eat it? Apples are low in fat, cholesterol, and sodium, and a good source of fiber and Vitamin C. Just be careful to chew each bite thirty-two times so you don't choke.”
“Ugh...you're a walking medical encyclopedia, yah know that? Eh, maybe Ah'll eat it. With all the damage the Princesses did even the apples ain't sweet no more, hardly worth stealin' 'em...” she said, then went over to where her nasty stash of hard cider is and took a drink from one of the bottles.
...And then spat it out... “What in tarnation?!”
“It's carrot juice!” I said, smiling helpfully. “You can thank me later!”
“Thank you?! I do declare if you were not my friend I-Ah mean, if we weren't friends Ah'd hogtie you!”
I gave her a glare. “Why?! That nasty cider wasn't going to do you any good! Carrot juice is a good source of Vitamins A and C, plus contains iron and calcium for strong bones! It's good for you!”
“At least cider would make mah head stop hurtin fer on-hey, wait a minute! Are yah sayin' mah bones aren't tough?! All of meh is tough!”
“It won't be for long if you don't take care of it!”
Ugh...sometimes I think Twilight and Rainbow are the only ponies that ever listens to me. And even then they get distracted by every little thing. At least Twilight cares about facts and figures.
“Ugh...Did you at least use mah credit card?”
“Yeah, thank you.”
“Good!...Ugh! Ah'll just go play some Grand Theft Chariot V, unless yah replaced all of the games with fitness games!...Again!”
I gave a sigh. “I can't, Fluttershy won't give me the key to the game cabinet anymore and Twilight won't let me use her science set to make a fake key.”
Well at least she left my games out where anypony could play them. Seriously, I don't know why everypony got upset when I did that before, who wants to sit on their flanks for hours having 'fun' when you could be working out and actually doing something?! After all, idle hooves are Celestia's playthings. You're only safe from temptation when you're doing something productive.
Before our conversation could go any further, there was a crash and a bit of plaster falls on my head. Ugh! Now I'm going to have to disinfect my mane! This place is old, there's a five percent chance there might be lead in the paint! “Rainbow's back...”
She sticks her head in through the window. “Am I still banished girls?”
We both gave a sigh. Yes, we banished her to the roof. We had to! She's a danger to all of our health! Huh? 'Why are we still friends with her then?'...Because she actually listens to me.
“Ugh...fine, just don't break any-”
Good, she broke that flower Fluttershy put up. It was way too bright and fun. It couldn't have been anything good...Probably was poisonous or something.
I gave a gasp as her head went up. “Rainbow, you've got a black eye, where did that come from? Did you run into a pole trying to get that one scooter girl's attention? Or were you just trying to 'have fun?'”
Rainbow had this fascination with some filly that was on TV, I don't know, I only watch Fawn Doo and Marcie Pan's show for nutrition tips.
“No, not this time...Um...some ponies got mad at me and...well...I deserved it...”
“Here, let me get the first aid kit, that could get infected.”
Of course I patched her up! Leaving a wound untreated is just asking for trouble! It could get infected then she might have to have her eye removed!
“Where the Tartarus are those ponies? Ah'll go teach 'em a lessen, and maybe get arrested for aggravated assault while Ah'm at it!” Applejack told her, giving a snort. “No pony messes with one of us!...Except for the rest of us!”
“Actually, somepony alread-”
“Girls!” yelled Twilight from another room.
“Rainbow Crash broke something again!” Applejack called back. Huh? Mean? No, even she calls herself that. It's the only name she's ever given us.
“No, not that! Come here!”
“'Evil Princesses Turn Over a New Leaf?!'” Applejack asked, looking at the headline. There was a big picture of Luna back to looking like she used to and Celestia...She looked actually looked nice...And for some reason like she was from Ponygypt.
We were ALL just sitting there staring at it. Celestia had been there since before we were born. I've been watching her rampages on TV safe at home since I was a foal while she'd been destroying everything she could. Why do you think I have to jump through hoops to get veggies?! You think I like dealing with the black market to eat healthy?! That's only slightly less healthy than not eating right!
Now...it was over? Just like that? That quick?
“How?! What happened?!” Rarity asked, not seeming to care that much that she hadn't put on her make up that likely contains a lot of stuff that's bad for you. She apparently had time to put on a tacky Hearth's Warming's sweater though.
Twilight looked down at the paper. “It says they were both purified of evil when-oh! Look, the price of milk went down!”
“Twilight, focus!” Applejack ordered.
“Sorry! Just it's been awhile since I had milk!”
She had a point, a cup of milk contains 30 percent of your daily calcium requirements and is a great source of Vitamin D.
“It says they were purified of evil when some objects from another universe called 'the Elements of Harmony' were used by King Sombra to pull all the evil out of them...and into himself.”
“Wait wait wait, so now King Sombra's the BAD GUY?!” Applejack asked, basically looking as horrified as we were all thinking. Ugh...blind terror gets your heart rate up, that's not good for your health!
“...No, according to this, King Sombra had the will power to force himself away from civilization...the Princesses are good guys now, and they helped King Tirek and the other heroes imprison Lord Scorpan back in Tartarus. Captain Goodguy, Duchess Chrysalis, Princess Trixie, and Starlight Glimmer are all returning home as well now that they don't need to keep watch all over the whole kingdom all the time.”
We were all speechless for a few moments. Half the country probably is right now.
“...I...I do declare I'm speechless...” Applejack muttered.
“Yay! The evil Princesses are gone!” Rainbow Dash cheered.
“They're probably trying to trick us all,” Fluttershy said, rolling her eyes.
Our walking disaster area blinked. “Oh...sorry...”
“I'm with Fluttershy,” I chimed in. “This seems fishy. It's too happy! And happy things are suspicious!”
“It says here that King Tirek is sending his Centaurs to begin restoring the damage they caused. He's also attending a ceremonial party happening today to celebrate the end of this whole mess and to explain the restoration efforts,” Twilight read, then smiled wide. “Oh! If Lord Tirek is there, maybe I can go impress him with my knowledge of science!”
“Twilight, focus!” Applejack of all ponies called. “...They're really restorin' Equestria?”
“Oh! Yeah, they're going to use some mana transfer spell to transfer some mana from their kingdom back into ours to heal it, and their Cloud Gremlins are helping rebuild the pegasi cities while the pegasi are producing smaller storms to rehydrate the soil now that Celestia won't just evaporate them.”
“Oh! So that's why the weather team wanted all the help they could get making a storm earlier!” Rainbow Crash shouted.
“...It also says there was a small delay due to some kind of out of control storm...”
“Oops...Sorry...” said Rainbow, pinning her ears. “...I just don't know what went wrong...”
We all gave a groan. “Again?” Rarity asked.
“So...are apples finally gonna taste right again?” Applejack interrupted. She looked at a picture on our mantle of some brown stallion she'd never tell us who he was or why she had a picture of him.
“Uh, looks like it. They say everything should start recovering back to at least how it was when Celestia was alone.”
Applejack smirked. “Great!...Uh, well Ah'll just wait for them new sweet apples tah come in and steal a boatload! That'll get ponies talking!”
“I don't trust it...” I replied, glaring at the paper. “I LIKED them taking the sweet out of things, that mades things more trustworthy.”
“Hey, it says here they actually got enough sugar for a cake,” Rainbow read. “I wish I could try some, I haven't had any in forever.”
They all nodded. No! Don't they see it?!
“No way!” I yelled, glaring at the picture. This was too far! “Pretending to be good guys is one thing. Throwing a suspiciously fun party is another, but bringing CAKE into things? The one good thing they ever did was wipe out most of the sugar supplies!”
“Hey, why is there a picture of us fighting the Princesses here?” asked Rainbow, looking at the paper, but I ignored her. This was too important!
“Uh...Pinkamena,” said Fluttershy. “Assuming there is a problem with cake. How exactly do you intend to do that?”
“I'm going to go to the party and talk to them...and hand out pamphlets on the evils of cake.”
Fluttershy said something about them killing me if they really were lying, but I didn't listen. After all, how could anyone not see how obvious it was that cake was a bad idea? One serving of cake contains a full day's worth of trans fat! And you're better off not even having any trans fat at all in your diet!
I got my pamphlets out of storage and Twilight told me she'd stop by the party later after getting some notes together (which given this was Twilight, would probably cause her to get side tracked by some random thing and take twice as long as she should). Rainbow said she had a friend stopping by. I didn't ask, normally 'friend stopping by' for Rainbow was 'somepony who's using her' and I usually let Applejack handle them. Well either that or Gilda stopping by to try and convince Rainbow we were bad news.
I headed out the door and...Huh?
A purple unicorn (well more of a light heliotrope I think) with a purple and aquamarine mane was standing there...a purple star with a white one under it and two blue wisps for a Cutie Mark? Wait a second...
“You're Starlight Glimmer!”
She nodded and said something about being here to see...Rainbow? I wasn't really listening. Starlight Glimmer is the one pony who might actually understand why I'm so dedicated to healthy habits! After all, she might be a great teacher, but she doesn't pull her punches! She can be harsh if needed! Just like me! And isn't being healthy part of reaching your true potential?
So I explained everything I intend to do, she knows Captain Good Guy, Princess Trixie, and the others! She could put a word in for me!
“So, as you see, the number of calories, artificial flavors, and trans-fat in cake simply is not healthy for anypony and cake is a horrible thing no pony should ever eat! So, what do you think?”
Starlight rubbed her chin and looked me over. Her eyes felt on my Cutie Mark and she did some weird spell that made her eyes glow. “Hmm...you have a talent for getting others to listen, don't you? To influence others opinions?”
I nodded. Huh? Parties?! Ugh, don't make me sick. Why would my talent be something as worthless and fun as a party?!
“I see. Well, you've got a good knowledge base, you clearly do your research instead of pulling 'facts' out of your flanks, and you have the right amount of energy to be charismatic, but not annoying in and of itself, and you know how to focus it towards getting your point across, all of which are good.”
“But you're overly bias to the point of refusing to acknowledge the pros of the thing you are arguing against, some of your knowledge is outdated, and you clearly have a difficult time comprehending the concept of moderation.”
Moderation?! She's joking! This must be a test of how resolute I am!
Starlight teleported and popped back with a big book. “Here, take this book, it's from Miss Ditzy the Wise's library, far more comprehensive than anything you'll find elsewhere. She wrote it herself, so you know it is high quality. I recommend reading it cover to cover so you can better support your points. I also suggest you pay special attention to the pages telling about the benefits of certain 'unhealthy' substances in moderation. You're correct that they can cause health problems and much of what you said isn't factually wrong, but a more balanced view will greatly increase the likelihood others will take your advice, seeing something only demonized is a turn off for most.”
“Ugh...” I muttered. “I thought you were supposed to be smart! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! How can something as unhealthy as a cake possibly be GOOD for you?”
“I didn't say it was good for you, I simply said that you need to take a more balanced approach to sharing your message. You're not wrong to suggest perhaps a healthier alternative or a smaller cake might be a better idea, but the way you say it, it sounds like you want anypony who thinks it's a good idea to be put in some re-education hut and told your perspective over and over again until they're indoctrinated.”
“I tried that already.”
Huh? Why is she staring at me like that? I was just trying to keep ponies from getting themselves hurt!
“...Have you actually TRIED doing that to anypony?”
“No, couldn't afford the building.”
She gave a sigh for some reason. “Good...If you did that, you'd cause ponies psychological pain and undue stress, which would be unhealthy. Stress is unhealthy. And you don't want that, right?”
“...Huh, good point, stress is pretty bad.”
I hadn't thought of that...I wonder if you can get re-education chambers with stress balls provided...
Anyway, Starlight told me she had to go, and so did I...also for some reason she suggested I go talk to Miss Ditzy and mentioned her having a special couch I could lay on and discuss mental health.
Now, onto my plans. The party will be at King Sombra's royal castle. No, it's not the Princesses' castle, they haven't earned that. So I need to get there early and start handing out pamphlets. Huh? Why do I have pre-made pamphlets? I keep them all over the club house in case of pamphlet emergencies...in alphabetical order. The dangers of cake pamphlets are in the cabinet.
Okay, the guards are back...well standing guard. I can't remember the last time they weren't busy keeping a closer eye out for the evil Princesses than your average crooks. I'll need a disguise...
I put on a trench-coat and hat and put a little more energy in my step than normal. It's open invite, so no problem at all there, just need to hide it's me. Yes, I have a fake ID premade, it's kind of a necessity while dealing with the black market.
Okay, get in line...Ugh, I can hear the loud music already! Don't ponies realize that stuff damages your ears?! The average rock concert ranks in from 110 decibels to 120 decibels, and it only takes 80 decibels to damage your ears! Not to mention it keeps people up at night no matter how much they want to sleep! Good thing I brought some light music...Huh? I like classical music and new wave music. It's good for meditation.
Princess Trixie is the one shaking hooves at the door, like she always did when a big event like this is going on before she dropped off the radar (Rarity sometimes crashes them wearing the most garish thing she can get her hooves on and I sometimes tried to ruin them). Glad that routine was back...routines are healthy and safe. She'll be out here all night, so she won't be eating any cake. Good.
“Hello, You Majesty, you are look quite healthy today, have you been working out?” I asked. I meant it too, she looked a lot more toned than before she disappeared.
She blushed until she looked like me (she is Princess of Humility) and nodded. “T-Thank you, and yes...I was training with Starlight Glimmer in Our Town while I was gone. She said I wasn't living up to my full potential by focusing so much on Unicorn magic and I needed to practice with my other two magics if I wanted to stand up to Celestia and Luna.”
No, she didn't seem upset with Starlight. She didn't seem upset at all really. Though she was a bit hard to hear over the music. It was too loud and she was too quiet. Good thing I came when I did, she might damage her hearing listening to it all night.
“Well at least you're healthier now regardless, here, have some hoof sanitizer that kills ninety-nine point nine nine percent of bad bacteria, you're going to need it.”
She looked at the sanitizer I squirted on her hooves. “Uh...thank you...That was nice of you...”
I also gave her a pamphlet and the whole bottle of hoof sanitizer before going in.
Ugh...There's way too much fun happening here, these ponies should thank me for coming, it's only a matter of time before somepony gets hurt! This can't be safe!
Okay, time to start handing out pamphlets! Good thing I brought enough! I gave the first two to the big goods in the room, they were the ones with pull. Now onto all the guests.
One for you, one for you, ugh! No that's not a napkin! Never put something you don't know where it's been near your mouth!
I froze...only one pony in the entire world calls me that.
I turned and there was my deadbeat sister Maud Pie. “...I don't know who you're talking about, I've never heard that name before in my life.”
Maud put a hoof over my shoulder. “Come on, Pinkie, I saw Modern Ninjas Hoof Clan with you when we were foals, I know the trench-coat and fedora trick too.”
I gave a growl. “The only thing I liked about that movie was that it showed the dangers of chemicals!” And even then, it was so medically inaccurate! I mean chemicals make most things die, not become bipedal evil ninjas!
“So you admit you saw it,” Maud said, giving me a smirk. “So why are you here? Finally decide to actually have some fun and lighten up before you give yourself a heart attack?”
...And thus fun proves how dangerous it is, trying to have it with my sister once exposes me now...
I snarled and snorted hot air. “I'm just...here! What are YOU doing here anyway?!”
“Oh, me and the band are here to rock this place!” she explained, doing that stupid 'air guitar' thing she liked to do. Wonder she doesn't strain herself. “Sir Discord said these high class events tend to get dull, and needed a little bit of good cheer to liven things up!”
Why is it when Rarity crashes a party in a puke green sweater, it makes ponies mad at her, but my sister gets away with showing up in a dirty old white t shirt? Because she's 'fun?' Because she 'livens things up?' Well I LIKE dull parties! They're safe!
I rolled my eyes. “Shouldn't you be getting a real job now that the world doesn't 'need cheering up' anymore?”
“Pinkie, this IS my real job. Making ponies happy, what's wrong with that?”
“Stop calling me Pinkie! It's Pinkamena!”
“You used to love being called Pinkie-”
“No, you just think I did!”
Her ears went back. “...Pink-...Pinkamena-”
“Whatever, enjoy wasting your time and everypony elses'...”
I storm off...wait...
“And have a pamphlet!”
Okay, now I can storm off...ugh, great, now I need to duck into a bathroom and switch outfits! Everypony is looking at me! Excuse me! Pardon me! Yes, Miss Smith, I've seen AJ recently, but she doesn't want to talk to you!
Ugh...So my sister is still chasing dreams and wasting her time. I was hoping she'd have given that up when Princess Luna went bad and things got worse, but no! She 'had' to spread good cheer to everypony because 'it was more important than ever.' And she thinks I'm the one who's not doing things the right way?!
Okay, let's see. Old grandma look, no one ever suspects a grandma. Maybe that's why Duchess Chrysalis looks like one?
Why am I so well prepared? Because I'm not a lazy pony like Applejack. If anything I have the opposite problem. I have a lot of energy, like Starlight said, but if I wasn't not doing something with it, I'd be bouncing off the walls...Literally, it's humiliating and unsafe. So you could say I've got a lot of practice focusing my energy on things, and plenty of energy to focus getting ready for these things...I wonder if having this much energy is dangerous, I really need to see a doctor about it some time.
The ironic thing is if Applejack would just work with me more often, we'd make a good team. Like the time we ruined the Apple Family Reunion...even if King Sombra thanked us for 'livening things up' and Applejack threw a tantrum. At least we sent a lot of ponies safely home early.
Okay, just need to throw this out outfit away and...wait...why are my pamphlets in the trash? They're just throwing them away?!
...I tried to be nice, but I guess they won't listen to reason. Looks like I'll just need to do this the hard way. Good thing I came prepared for that too.
I sneak back in, Celestia is making some kind of speech, I don't know, this is more important. Okay, to start, let's turn this music to something a little bit less hard on the hearing. Better put in earplugs just to be on the safe side. Some nice classical music should help. And turn down the volume of course, it's a wonder anypony can even hear anymore! Better unplug my sister's stupid amps while I'm at it...
Why not start with the cake? Because I need to get everypony distracted before I can actually do anything with it! I'm not Applejack, I don't want to get arrested! If I did, I couldn't continue to ensure everypony's health and well being! Besides prison food is TERRIBLE for you and they're about the most unsafe place on the planet!...Though they do have nice work out areas.
That said, I can exchange most of the cookies and other junk food for veggies while no one was looking. Ugh...what am I going to do with this stuff? Maybe it'd be good fuel for the furnace back home, it's not good for anything else.
Ugh! Come on, Al. E Zotl! Lower your tail....hand...thing so I can snatch those potato chips! Got 'em! Good thing he was talking to that somepony about his Bravery Blue books or he might have noticed me.
“Thank you and the others so much for lending me your power to defeat my brother, Captain Goodguy. I don't know how I would have defeated him otherwise with how much magic he'd absorbed.”
“Oh, King Tirek, it was a small price to pay to restore peace and harmony to the world. Though I must say, it was also interesting to witness a giant Centaur and Gargoyle duking it out like something out of a King Dracodora film.”
“I suppose it was, though it saddens me I had to condemn my brother to still more years in that pit...excuse me miss?”
I looked up at King Tirek as I was about half way through of snatching the bowl of fries right of his hand.
The King of the Centaurs looked over at the refreshments, then gave a smile and laugh. “Oh, I see, you wanted some but it appears they're all gone! Here, take mine!”
I took it. Guess this is why his nickname is 'King Tirek the Selfless.' “Um...thank you your majesty...have a carrot.”
Thankfully, snatching a lot of their nasty treats and replacing them with nice healthy ones was much easier than stealing from Tirek. Huh? I don't care if this upsets ponies! Health is more important than being 'happy!' You can't be around to be happy if you're not healthy!
Ugh, of course that means a lot of ponies are throwing my healthy stuff away to look for the more 'fun' stuff. But they won't find any! I have all of it but the cake in this bag and my pockets where everypony is safe from it!
“Alright, everypony!” my sister shouted on stage, standing on her big pet rock Pebble (who still had that stupid grin she'd drew on his face). “I hope you're ready to rock!”
Who's her band? Why should I care? Ugh...fine!
Maud is the lead guitarist and vocalist, Octavia Melody is drums, Beauty Brass is the bass guitar, Franz Horseshoepin is on the keyboard, and Harpo is on the tambourine. I think Brass used to play...well, brass but decided to change it up and be unexpected. What would be unexpected is for them to actually get a REAL job instead of wasting all their time and everypony else's on ear damaging 'fun.' Hmm...still perhaps I could use them as a distraction to get rid of that awful cake...
How am I going to? It's right next to the window, so I'm just going to open it and push it right out! Just need to sneak over there and get ready while everypony is focused on my deadbeat sister...
Maud tried to strum a few cords but I had unplugged the amps and turned down the volume already. Good, I'm right in front of one of the speakers right now it'd be dangerous if-
“Hey! Somepony mind plugging us in and cranking it up?!” I heard Octavia yell.
Maud took in a deep breath. “Alright, everypony, let's rock and roll! I wanna see some smiles!”
GAH! Ow ow ow...What?! Speak louder, I can't hear you! The guards are what?
Oh, the Guards see me...and I dropped my bags and they spilled out...HORSEAPPLES! Good thing I'm in good shape!
Okay....I...I got away...but I dropped my bag and had to throw my disguise off while I ran...See what I said about fun?! Nothing good EVER comes from fun! Ever! It's only ever made my life Tartarus just like this!
That's it! I just wanted to make this party healthier, make is safer, but no one wants that! And my stupid sister will only be encouraged to keep this up if this is allowed to stand!...So it looks like this party is over...
Huh? Why am I even doing this?! I've told you a million times! To make sure everypony is healthy and safe! Why do I want THAT so badly?...Hmph...I guess I can tell you while I get set up here. Maybe then you'll see just why this is so important!
When I was a little filly, me and my family grew up on a simple rock farm in the middle of nowhere. There was no talking. There was no smiling. There were only rocks. And it was wonderful! It was safe! The most danger we ever had to deal with was blasting rocks, and we had rules and procedures for that! You know the advantage of being on a 'boring' rock farm in the middle of nowhere? Celestia didn't care about us at all! We didn't even have to worry about her because we didn't matter to her! Seeing whatever terrible thing Celestia had done on the TV didn't matter because it was happening somewhere else! We were healthy, we were fit, and we were fine! My Granny Pie thought it was best to stay that way, to stick to tradition and do things just right, and that making things fun was just a waste of daylight, so that's how things were done...But you see not everything was right in paradise.
My parents were always trying to get whatever new high tech gadget came out whenever they could and tried to change my Granny Pie's 'outdated' rules to something more 'fun.' Maud was always all for it and so were my other sisters, and at the time so was I. But Granny Pie always taught me to apply all my excess energy towards hammering and moving the rocks, saying 'idle hooves are Celestia' playthings', so that's just what I did. I liked the breaks, but I was always more of a doer than a player. My sister's always been the opposite. We should have realized something was wrong with Maud all the way back then.
I'd tell you more about my foalhood, but for most of it that's all there was and all we needed: rocks, rocks, and more rocks. It was routine, and I liked it that way. I felt safe that way! I didn't care what was happening everywhere else, all that mattered was in our own little world things were good! Cowardly? I was a foal what do you expect?
But then one day...One fateful day, I realized how true what my Granny Pie said about fun was.
If you asked me their names, I couldn't tell you. I was young, they didn't stay long. They were a group of rockers, like Maud is now. They found their way to our little piece of safety thinking 'rock farm' meant we were a farm for rockers (I should have taken that as a warning sign!). Naturally, they thought our humble way of doing things was 'dull' and 'boring' and decided to 'show us some fun.'
We thought it would be 'fun.' My sisters thought it'd be a good break from working every day. My parents did too. The rockers even let us empty the fridge on their tour bus for the catering and every other thing they could get. And for three days, the party never ended. And their rock and roll never stopped. The sweets and junk food? I couldn't control myself and gorged myself on every last bit my hooves touched. I'd never had it before, so tasting that temptation was something I had no defense against, that I wasn't prepared for. So I ate so much I could hardly move. Oh, you think it sounds like fun? Hehe...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
By the end of it I was so sick I was bed-ridden for an entire week. We'd got nothing done, and we'd lost even more time than the bucking party took. And that loud music that never quit?! I hardly got any sleep at all, and was so tired I slept in till noon the next day! I went three days without one good night's sleep because of that noise, noise, noise, noise, what else could come from that?! It felt like 'fun' while it was happening, but in the end not one good thing came from it! Oh, but that's not even the worst part! The worst part was Maud.
Maud got her cutie mark that week. She'd decided the thing she wanted more than anything was to be like that band because they'd made her so happy, she wanted to make others feel the same. They even left her a guitar. A guitar that I'd never hear the end of! She practiced all of the time. Every moment of her free time, that noise, noise, noise rang in my ears! I can't even remember how many hours of sleep she cost me! And our parents bucking supported her! They supported her wasting her time on something that worthless as much as they supported me doing something meaningful and working on the farm like we should have been! Thanks to that stupid band the one place in the world I felt safe was too loud for me to even think and a constant reminder of the worst week of my life!...And now everypony else is worshiping Maud for doing the same things, lured into the same trap of 'fun' as we were.
Oh, and I once tried being fun myself you know. I was convinced to give it another chance. You know what happened? I gave my sister walnut brownies and it turned out she was allergic!
Never once in my life have I ever had 'fun' that didn't turn out to be misery in disguise! Even after my sister moved out to 'follow her dream,' her concerts on the radio, her albums, and her CDs took her place! All that noise, noise, noise, noise! It never stopped! I couldn't stand it anymore! So one day I up and left, found Twilight, and never looked back! And I'll never look back until not one little filly falls into that same trap ever again!
But I do thank those rockers and my sister for teaching me one thing: that nothing good comes from 'fun.' Nothing good ever comes from 'sweet.' Nothing good ever comes from 'indulgence.' It's all lies! If 'fun' is living, I don't need to live! I just need to SURVIVE! Because surviving is SIMPLE! It's SAFE! Why can't anypony but me see that?! Why doesn't anypony but me want to be safe?!
...Huh?...Is that why I hang out with the others? I want to feel safe?...Maybe...They're always constant, always the same. Never changing. Applejack will always have some crazy scheme, Twilight will always try to be popular, Rainbow Crash always screws up, Fluttershy always has some biting remark, and Rarity some gaudy new style...Predictable...and predictable is safe...
When you run a farm, you're always prepared for pests...and sometimes those pests are useful. One in particular is known to eat any bite of food it gets its greedy little jaws on. It's the only thing on this planet that's safe to feed anything to, trust me. And once it starts, it will ruin this party. Then all these ponies get to go home and be safe at home in bed. I just need to let it get out of control.
But this little pest happens to have an ear for music. It's the only thing that can tame one. So of course, I need to do something about that! I disguised myself again, this time just as a simple maid (I found an outfit in the closet I hid in) and used the fact the guards are looking for me to my advantage: they left the place I really need to get to more vulnerable than they should have. I knock out the breaker for the room.
While everything is dark and everycreature is in a tizzy over it, I let my little pet loose. Go on little Parasprite, eat up all that nasty food and start spreading like wildfire! The Princesses and the other heroes are too busy trying to keep everypony calm to even notice! By the time the power is back on, they'll have to call the party off there will be so many! Party ruined, sorry guys! No dangerous fun here! Get home where it's safe!
One becomes two, two becomes three! And they haven't even started on the main course yet! Buy buy nasty cake! I hope no pony ever makes another of you again!
My sister again, what is she up to-
“I know you're a little freaked out right now, but listen to this!”
Where did she get an acoustic guitar?! She's...she's playing this song our parents taught us when we were foals when we got scared...but...
...The light comes back on, and my sister didn't even realize my Parasprites had flocked to her music in the dark. Once the light is on, she just carries on, keeping them hypnotized while Duchess Chrysalis uses some spell of hers to change their focus and lead them off. I don't think most of the ponies even realized they weren't part of the show! They didn't even get the one thing I wanted them to destroy!
UGH! Why do you always ruin everything, Maud?!
Of course the guards are onto me heavy this time, and they know how persistent I can be now! They're blocking all the exits! Come on come one! Backstage! Looks like the guards aren't back there yet!
“...Goin' somewhere Pinkamena?”
I turned around to see my sister. She wasn't smiling. Neither was I “...Why do you have to ruin everything?!”
She...looks hurt. “...I don't try to...”
She trots over and puts my own pamphlet down on the table next to me. She...she kept it?
“...I just worry about you...you're my sister, that's my JOB...And you spend all your time hanging out with five crooks and so high strung it's a wonder you don't have a heart attack. Then you go pulling stunts like that one back there...Somepony could have been-”
“They're not crooks! They're my friends! At least they actually let me sleep instead of blowing my eardrums out every night!”
Maud took a step back. “...Wait, what?! I didn't...how was I supposed to know that?”
I blinked. “Because...well...because...Because it's common sense!”
Maud looked down at her hooves. “...Look sis...maybe I did some things you don't get, and maybe I do you wrong sometimes without knowing it...but I never ignored you...you just never tried to tell me that.”
“I shouldn't have needed to! It should've been common sense!”
“...I'm all for beating to your own drum, but you like your drum to drown out everypony else's, sis...If I hurt you, I'm sorry...I never meant to...I just...sometimes have trouble realizing I'm saying the wrong thing, and need to be told to my face...But all I ever wanted was to make you happy.”
I...She looks like she's going to...No! Not falling for crocodile tears!
“SHUT UP! You have no idea what makes me happy!”
“...Do you want to be?”
“No! That's exactly the problem! I don't want to be happy! I want to be healthy! I want to survive! I just want to be SAFE!”
We both stood there staring at each other until we heard the guard's hooves and I bolt out the door, no pony chasing me. I hear Maud say something to the guards but none come through the door after me.
...I need to head home...I...I need to meditate...let's just hope no pony is playing anything too loud....I've had enough 'fun' for one night. Maybe I'll read Starlight's book...